for you, Calla.

"There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend." -Katharine Butler Hathaway

I remember her warm tears on the palm of my hand and the sobbing cry she let out. It was before she let go of my hands that she said ''Babe, I love you and I'm sorry. I did what I did for the best of you and I hope you'll keep soaring like you always do,".
It broke my heart in a way I never thought was possible.
She was already being dragged down by the demons inside of her. I've been trying to pull her out from the dark hole but I failed miserably.
I remember the times she would ring my phone to fill me in on her day, even when we just saw each other an hour before. Adorable little girl. I remember the times she would knock on my door and give me a massive hug when I told her I was crying. I remember the weekends we would go on ice-cream dates to reward ourselves after a long week.
I was with her day and night, we walked and talked, we played and laughed, we did everything together, but oh god- my best friend of soooo many years was suffering and I failed to keep her alive. I thought I could save her, I thought I could keep her sane.
Scales have fallen from my eyes now, it's clear that every beaming smile she showed was her hiding the agony stitched in her wounds.
Reminiscing the years we spent together fighting and apologizing after minutes, I'm finding myself drenched in tears on a Thursday night. We have always been each other's precedence and we liked it that way. We were the duo that never left each other's side. We were Aly and AJ, Niki and Gabi.
Sigh, not anymore huh babe? It's like I am missing a tooth- things feel different now.
Heck, it feels like I lost my entire life.
Calla Antonio, I miss you. Come back.

With forever love,
Delphinium Rose.

Done & Done.

"One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered." -Michael J. Fox


"whatever."
                                                                "suit yourself."
                                                                                                            "what the heck are you tryna do?"
              "grow up."                                                         "get a life."
                                 "you're such a cry baby. man up"
                                                                                                                 "can you even fit in your trousers?"
            "no offence but you'd look prettier if you're skinnier"
                                                                                              "why are you so slow? god."
                                           "you're a gorilla"
"you're too emotional"
                                                                                             "help yourself."
                                       "you should be more like your sister"
                                                                                                                                   "shut up"

And the list goes on.. and on..
and on and..

It's as if-
The sharp blades gliding through my skin, slow and cold.
Sending shivers down my spine, trying to bear the pain as the opening gets wider.
It hurts. Blood dripping on my floral bed sheet, leaving trails as I walk to the bathroom.

Oh. My. God.
Staring into the mirror, not recognizing my own reflection. Ew.
Dark under eyes, chapped lips, puffy eyes. Lost in a haze of confusion, is this really me?
Swallowing all the critiques and slanders that were thrown at me over the past decade has drained my mental and physical energy.

Making my adrenaline tingle every time I step out of the house, rushing as a pair of eyes meet mine- trying to avoid the sensation I feel when people look at me.
God, I hate this.
Instantaneously searching for the glass bottle in my sling bag, thinking I'm going to cause drama in public.

              Spritz
                                     Spritz

Spraying floral scents on the wrist, sniffing it to reduce my heart rate. This is horrible.

                                                        "Who even smells their own perfume? Man you're peculiar."

Already so easily dented, not being able to refrain the tears, my eyes cried the agony that has been bottled up for god knows how long.
I'm done.