Kosong

Having emotions is tiring.
Sure it's fun when you
dapat gelak, dapat senyum, dapat enjoy, dapat sayang, dapat benci.
tapi when you rasa semua tu, you actually feel nothing inside;
macam mana?

walking with your group of friends talking about nonsense everything,
physically you look happy but really you're just gloomy.
dead. mati. hati tak berfungsi.

It's that lacunae inside my heart that bugs me.
Those empty holes that I try to patch and mend,
for years and years,
I tried this, I tried that
tapi tak menjadi-jadi.
Takkan nak guna drywall kot?

People say I have that pink personality
but really-
what is that?

People say that I am friendly and approachable,
I have that vibe that is remarkable
but what they don't know is...
my soul is black macam kena colour dengan marker.

Jap........
no.
It's transparent. It's empty.
There isn't anything to be seen.
Kosong. Lopong.
Tak, aku tak bohong.
This is not a gimmick, i'm not trying to pull a trick.
Anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder,
yes mental disorders are realistic.

Don't you get it?
It's nothing you feel when everything else is happening.

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See? Sama je,
dead. mati. hati tak berfungsi.

for you, Calla.

"There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend." -Katharine Butler Hathaway

I remember her warm tears on the palm of my hand and the sobbing cry she let out. It was before she let go of my hands that she said ''Babe, I love you and I'm sorry. I did what I did for the best of you and I hope you'll keep soaring like you always do,".
It broke my heart in a way I never thought was possible.
She was already being dragged down by the demons inside of her. I've been trying to pull her out from the dark hole but I failed miserably.
I remember the times she would ring my phone to fill me in on her day, even when we just saw each other an hour before. Adorable little girl. I remember the times she would knock on my door and give me a massive hug when I told her I was crying. I remember the weekends we would go on ice-cream dates to reward ourselves after a long week.
I was with her day and night, we walked and talked, we played and laughed, we did everything together, but oh god- my best friend of soooo many years was suffering and I failed to keep her alive. I thought I could save her, I thought I could keep her sane.
Scales have fallen from my eyes now, it's clear that every beaming smile she showed was her hiding the agony stitched in her wounds.
Reminiscing the years we spent together fighting and apologizing after minutes, I'm finding myself drenched in tears on a Thursday night. We have always been each other's precedence and we liked it that way. We were the duo that never left each other's side. We were Aly and AJ, Niki and Gabi.
Sigh, not anymore huh babe? It's like I am missing a tooth- things feel different now.
Heck, it feels like I lost my entire life.
Calla Antonio, I miss you. Come back.

With forever love,
Delphinium Rose.