DR-DIARY // volume-3

The Dark Words You Walk Down At Night by Iain S. Thomas.


This is why it hurts the way it hurts.

You have too many words in your head. There are too many ways to describe the way you feel. You will never have the luxury of a dull ache.

You must suffer through the intricacy of feeling too much. 


DR-DIARY

UPDATE: It's the fourth day of me trying to get myself together and so far, I am failing better. Thank goodness.

No matter how hard I try to make myself busy and distract myself to unravel my mind, I would still find myself curling up in a ball, trying to catch my breath in between sobs and cries. 

Here's a question: Do we get dehydrated by crying a whole lot OR are we hydrated from the tears streaming down our faces? I'm gonna leave you with that.

Since Jarred vanished, it took me a good three years to brush everything off. To forget him, to move on, to leave him right where he belong; in the past. It was a very rough experience and I wish to never go through it ever again. All praises to god, I finally got back on my two feet and focus on what is ahead of me. I no longer think about him, I no longer have daydreams of him. Believe it or not, I never thought that was possible as he was once my ride or die. 

However, with Calla gone, every thing seems a little more harder. Things are getting difficult to grasp, difficult to understand. Losing contact with someone so dear to me is one, let alone losing someone for good. I know I will never get to see her smile anymore and that shatters my glass heart. I tried to mend it with thousands of remedies that I googled but none could mend it the way I do it with Calla. Having lunch by the beach with her, making homemade banana ice cream and running around town trying to make up what we would get as each other's wedding gift. It breaks me every time I think of her, worrying that I would forget the sound of her voice and the look in her eyes when she gets her favourite sweet potato crisp. 

It has been exactly 6 months since I last heard from her and I still go to bed crying, wishing she would come over just to binge on 'Castle' together. Losing both Jarred and Calla makes me hesitant to make new best friends, to break the walls I built and start over. It's easy to shake hands with strangers and share meals with the girls from flying class but it is never easy to open up and share what's in my head. If there is one thing I am sure of, if anyone ever gets to have a peek in my brain, they would faint. It is too crowded, I don't think even an ant could breathe in it. (not literally).

Once upon a time, I tried opening up to a guy in Potion (Mr. Wood made us partners) and he looked like someone I could trust. It was wonderful at first, we promised to help each other with our struggles and all that shenanigans. Not that I was surprised, he distanced himself from me when I told him something he claimed was ""too dark"". It was the thoughts I had in my mind and the million feelings I had, bottled up in a massive bathtub because an extra large water jug wasn't enough. Still not enough and never will be. 

I never spoke to anyone of my feelings or thoughts ever again. 

Kosong

Having emotions is tiring.
Sure it's fun when you
dapat gelak, dapat senyum, dapat enjoy, dapat sayang, dapat benci.
tapi when you rasa semua tu, you actually feel nothing inside;
macam mana?

walking with your group of friends talking about nonsense everything,
physically you look happy but really you're just gloomy.
dead. mati. hati tak berfungsi.

It's that lacunae inside my heart that bugs me.
Those empty holes that I try to patch and mend,
for years and years,
I tried this, I tried that
tapi tak menjadi-jadi.
Takkan nak guna drywall kot?

People say I have that pink personality
but really-
what is that?

People say that I am friendly and approachable,
I have that vibe that is remarkable
but what they don't know is...
my soul is black macam kena colour dengan marker.

Jap........
no.
It's transparent. It's empty.
There isn't anything to be seen.
Kosong. Lopong.
Tak, aku tak bohong.
This is not a gimmick, i'm not trying to pull a trick.
Anxiety, depression, bipolar, eating disorder,
yes mental disorders are realistic.

Don't you get it?
It's nothing you feel when everything else is happening.

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See? Sama je,
dead. mati. hati tak berfungsi.