DR-DIARY // volume-4

"Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again." -Frank Sinatra

DR-DIARY 

Once upon a time, there was a teenage girl who lived with her younger siblings, Zinnia and Ren. Ever since her parents passed away, she was the sole breadwinner of the family. She had to cater to her siblings’ needs and pay for their tuition fees. At the very beginning, it was quite easy as she has always been the independent one. She used to help her father mow the lawn and cook meals with her mother. She knew her way round the house. She did everything from cleaning the bathroom to driving her younger siblings to school.

The routine never changes- it has always been: wake-up at 6am, do the laundry, make breakfast, study, study, study, cook lunch, work, work, work, pick up the boys, cook dinner, fold the clothes, tidy the house, sleep, repeat.

It’s me. I am the teenage girl. God, it is really tiring. I haven’t even had time to update my diary. So, HI. It has been what? Over a year? OMG I am so sorry, Diary. I never meant to ignore you, it’s just that my life has been occupied with a lot of different things over the past year and I just needed a break from myself.

Though, now I understand how important it is for me to take a step back from everything and look at what is around me- the bigger view of my surrounding. Let my mind think what it thinks and let my heart feel what it feels. The past year has been rather challenging for my siblings and I that it made me forget about my own well-being. I focused so much on Zinnia and Ren that I neglected the most important person, myself.

I suppressed my feelings, thinking that it does not really matter when in reality, it matters- a lot. So here I am, trying to get back into the groove of writing my thoughts and emotions down because that is what high school Del would want me to do, right?

Making a mental note to remind myself to take a breather is not really working because I don’t actually take the few seconds I should have, to breathe. The reason why I chose not to spill my emotions and thoughts is simply because I find it quite.. useless..

I know, I know.

There are people who are willing to lend their ears and shoulders but then again- what can they really do? I tell them what bothers me and then what? I just haven’t seen the point of me sharing my burden with someone else. It’s just going to add loads to their wheelbarrow. Maybe one day, when I am comfortable enough to share my slice of cake with someone- I will.

Speaking of someone.. hehehehehe. There is this boy in my uni that I reaaaally like but I’ll talk about him in my next entry. As of now, I gotta go. Talk to you when I do!! xxxxxx

Almost perfect.

"The flower doesn't dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes." -Mark Nepo.

What we had was almost perfect;

the walks by the sea, the rides in the taxi,

the talks on the phone, the drives back home,

the jokes between lullabies, the doodles between cries,

the Disney dreams, the football screams,

the laughs at the corridor, the trips to the bookstore,

the unnecessary arguments, the cutest presents, 

the impromptu karaoke sessions, the dream vacations,

and the little things for us to keep, just for us to bring in our sleep.

It was everything I imagined and more.

What I hope is for us to open the doors sooner;

to see clearer, to understand better.

Though it's okay babe, the fogs cleared and I'm not in a haze anymore.

It took me a long time to fathom the reasons, 

but here I am; grasping the fact that we are on a break. 

I wrote you letters and I thought I wasn't good enough for you.

When in reality, I always knew that we are all perfectly imperfect. 

What we had was almost it and maybe we were just not ready to be perfect.

Give us time, give us space. 

We will find our way back to each other, as friends or more.

Here's to finding ourselves and figuring out the game plan.

Here's to drilling motivations and achieving goals.

Here's to building castles in Spain-- and Indonesia.