I'm not good enough.

"You need to realize that you have toxic traits too and that you might be toxic to other people." -unknown.

I knocked on your wooden door and peeked through the glass window. I rang the house bell and called out your name. "Babe, are you home?" There was no answer. You didn't answer. Weird. I saw you in the kitchen, I caught you looking at me. I was excited. I was pumped to see you, to talk to you. So I waited for you to open the door, I waited for you to let me in. 

Shut. The door was still shut.

Weird. 

I thought it was my chance to finally speak with you but you were exhausted. A whole restless year- I understood that you wanted to be alone. 

I waited by your pavement, I waited at the cafe across the road. I checked my phone for texts, eagerly waiting for your name to pop up in my notifications. None. I understood. 

You wanted to be alone. I have always reminded you how important me-time is. 

So I understood.

I pinged your phone, I asked for your time and attention. 

but you were lost- confused. 

You wanted to be alone. I understood. 

I started overthinking. I started crying myself to sleep.

I started wondering if you still feel the same about me.

I tried reaching out to you but I also tried holding myself back. The last thing I wanted was to annoy you- but I missed you. 

I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to know if you were okay. 

I tried reaching out to you and I did not hold myself back. 

You were annoyed, you got mad. 

I wanted to talk to you but you were not okay. 

Maybe it's my fault; I shouldn't have pushed you.

Weird. A day felt like a week. 

It felt really odd not talking to the one person you spoke to on a daily basis. God, worried would be an understatement. I feared that I was not good enough for you. Maybe you got tired of me. Soon--

I found out the break you needed was from me. 

I was making you uneasy. 

I was a disturbing fly that could not leave your food alone.

I was a buzzing bee around your fresh flowers. 

I tried to understand, but I couldn't. 

I saw you opening the door for your friends, letting them in at any time of the day. You greeted them with warm hugs, offered them coffee and sprite. Weird. I walked to your door and knocked. I knocked on the door, I rang the bell. I was excited. I was pumped to see you, to talk to you. 

I saw you laughing with your guests so I waved to you, trying to grab your attention. You saw me. You looked me in the eyes. I waited for you to open the door, I waited for you to let me in.

Shut. The door was still shut.

Weird.